Sunrises
by Eliana Panthera
Summary: //' Kate's voice cut through Ziva's heart like a knife, "If you don't love me, let me go."'// -Kate/Ziva-


**Title: **Sunrises

**Genre: **Angst/Romance

**Rating: **T for mild swearing and femslashy-ness

**Paring(s): **Kate/Ziva

**Character(s): **Ziva David, Kate Todd

**Summary: **//' Kate's voice cut through Ziva's heart like a knife, "If you don't love me, let me go."'//

**Disclaumer: **I don't own it, and I never will.

**Author's Note: **Flangst! Sorry for any typos—I wrote this pretty quickly.

--- --- ---

The early morning sunlight seeped through the window and spilled across the floor, warm and silent. It was tinged with red and orange, mingled together to form the sunrise that was depicted on the kitchen floor. There was something unbelievably beautiful about the way the light spread around her, and Ziva could not bring herself to look away.

She should have been in bed, sleeping. Ziva did not have to go into work today, so she could have slept until it was time for diner and her stomach was getting frustrated and growling at its emptiness. She had gotten no sleep the night before, or any of the nights in the past week, and she was exhausted. Ziva could have fallen across the kitchen table and drifted off into sleep if it had not been for the fact that the light from the slowly-rising sun was hypnotizing her.

It seemed like so long ago when she and Kate would sit at the table and watch the sunrise, smiling and talking about anything and everything. That was something that Ziva would probably never get to experience again. All because she was such an idiot.

Letting out an angry sigh, Ziva closed her eyes tightly and leaned against the back of the chair. Her stomach clenched with guilt, and Ziva felt like she was drowning in a swirling abyss of nothing. Her mind felt numb, unreal.

It was like that split second between sleep and alertness. She could see, hear, and smell everything around her. But she was not quite registering it yet, and she could feel nothing except her chest moving with each breath. Everything was blurry and confusing. This time, unlike when she awoke in the mornings, the feeling was not fading and left Ziva feeling like her head was full of cotton.

She wanted to cry, or scream, or throw her empty coffee mug against the off-white walls, or perhaps all three. But Ziva kept her control, instead rubbing her temples with her fingers and gritting her teeth to force back the tears that burned at her eyes like a liquid flame, attempting to burn down the walls that she had built years ago.

Lips quivering, Ziva slammed her fist down on the wooden table so hard it hurt, "Damn it!" The loud bang of her fist against the table and her own shout startled her, and Ziva flinched. Rubbing her red, throbbing hand, she cursed again—not quite as loudly this time.

"Why did you have to be so _stupid_?" Ziva asked out loud, voice thick with malice and self-loathing. She had never wanted to punch herself in the face more than she did right now, "She loves you, and you love her too. But of course you have to go and blow it like the idiot you are. Good job, David. Good _freaking _job."

Trembling with fury and unshed tears, Ziva pushed herself to her feet, legs feeling like blobs beneath her. She had to grab on to the table to steady herself, taking a few deep, slow breaths. Licking her dry lips, she closed her eyes so tightly that it stung and tried to make her knees stop shaking.

It had been a week since that night when Ziva's life had gone to hell. The memories flickered behind her eyelids, and she was helpless to stop them.

---

_"I love you," Kate murmured into Ziva's hair, an arm wrapped around the Israeli's waist. _

_Ziva, who had been smiling and leaning back against the pillows, froze and sucked in a startled breath. The smile disappeared from her face and she closed her eyes, letting out a slow, ragged sigh._

_Kate shifted next to her, and Ziva could tell without looking that her girlfriend was frowning, "Ziva?" The way she said Ziva's name was almost pleading, begging her to return the feelings. _

_If she had expected anything, it was not this. Definitely not this. Ziva swallowed thickly and managed to choke out around the lump that had risen in her throat, "Oh. Thanks."_

_With that, she rolled over and turned her back to Kate, burying her face in the pillows. The bed shifted, and Ziva listened as Kate gathered her clothes off of the bedroom floor, "I think I'm going to sleep at my apartment tonight."_

_"Kate…" Ziva started, sitting up and meeting the brunette's eyes. Kate quickly looked away, yanking her shirt over her head as Ziva continued, "Stay. Please."_

_The pain in Kate's eyes made Ziva wince. She felt like she was standing on thin ice, watching the cracks spread out around her like some sort of frozen spiderweb. Softly, Kate said, "I thought that there was more than just sex, Ziva. I thought all of this meant something."_

_"It does!" Ziva said quickly, standing up and walking over to the woman she had been dating three months now, taking Kate's hand in her own, "It definitely does. It is just…" She trailed off, shaking her head, "Please. Just stay."_

_"No," Kate said firmly, pulling her hand away and zipping up her jeans, "I don't want to be 'friends with benefits' anymore Ziva. That's what this seems like—not a relationship." Kate's voice cut through Ziva's heart like a knife, "If you don't love me, let me go."_

_Ziva could not form words. She wanted to explain, or to tell Kate that she loved her more than anything. But the words caught in her throat as if fate were laughing at her, keeping her from fixing things._

_Kate gave Ziva one more pained look before turning on her heel and walking out of the room. The thin ice shattered, and Ziva fell into icy water, slowly slipping away into the dark abyss. _

---

Ziva wiped tears from her eyes with her fists. She could not take it anymore. It felt as though someone were driving a nail into her chest, the pain worsening every moment as it sunk in deeper. Not even bothering to change out of her fuzzy blue pajama pants and her plain white tank top, Ziva tugged her windbreaker on and hurried out the door.

The drive to Kate's apartment took far too little time, and Ziva swallowed nervously as she parked in front of the building, simply staring at it for a few moments. She was afraid that Kate would slam the door in her face, not giving her a chance to explain. She was afraid that she would say something wrong and ruin things more. She was afraid of everything that could possibly go wrong.

Finally mustering up enough courage to climb out of her car and walk slowly to the front door of the building, Ziva let out a few shuddering breaths. She had never been this nervous in her life, and it was really bothering her. Ziva David did _not _get nervous.

Yet there she was, standing nervously in front of Kate's door, feeling weak and helpless. Ziva knocked twice, and the wood felt like broken glass beneath her knuckles. The sound of her fist against the wood seemed ten times as loud as it really had been, and Ziva winced.

A moment later, the door opened and a very tired-looking Kate stood before her. Her hair stuck out at all angles, and she was dressed in a simple old t-shirt and a pair of sweats. If the circumstances had been any different, Ziva would have smiled and told the other woman that she looked adorable.

"Ziva," Kate said, voice cold and unfeeling. Ziva could see the surprise and the pain that Kate was hiding, though. She had known the other woman long enough to be able to tell what she was feeling simply by looking at her. Currently, Kate was confused, angry, hurt, and exhausted. All of it was visible in her eyes.

Feeling sick to her stomach, Ziva spoke quietly, "Kate, we need to talk about things." Ziva waited for the door to slam in her face, but it didn't. Instead, Kate just stared at her blankly for several seconds.

"I have nothing more to say to you," She whispered, and started to close the door. Ziva stopped her using her left foot, and Kate's eyes narrowed, "Ziva, leave me alone."

In response to this, Ziva pulled Kate forward and kissed her.

There was a pause, in which the other woman went rigid and didn't retaliate. A few seconds later, though, Kate relaxed in Ziva's embrace and kissed her in return, lips dancing softly against the Israeli's.

Suddenly, Kate broke the kiss by pushing Ziva away and shaking her head rapidly, "No! Ziva, just…just _stop_. Please."

"I am _so _sorry," Ziva whispered, closing her dark eyes and letting out a soft sigh, "It meant something, I just…I just could not. I want to—I really do—but I cannot tell you. I _cannot_. Every experience I have had with love has ended horribly, and I did not want things to end horribly between us. But they did anyway, and I am _so _sorry. I…I do not want you to get hurt. It happens to everyone I love. I forced myself not to love for so long, then I fell for you and it is _terrifying _knowing that something bad could happen to you. I did not say anything, because I thought that maybe if I did not, then things would be okay. As it turns out, I just hurt us both."

Kate just stared at her for a moment, then frowned, "So…what are you trying to say? You're rambling and it's kind of hard to understand."

"I am trying to say…I love you," Ziva said, and felt a jolt of exhilaration shoot through her veins as the words slipped past her lips, "I love you so _freaking _much. I was just too scared to say it before. I was too afraid that you would get hurt. But not saying it was hurting you more than if someone had physically hit you. At least, that is how I felt."

Kate blinked rapidly for a few seconds, then cupped the younger woman's face in her hands and pulled Ziva in for another kiss, and the Israeli had to work hard not to cry as the older woman whispered against her lips, "I love you too. I love you too."

Maybe there would be more sunrises and early mornings talking about anything and everything. Maybe things would really work out.

Even now, if just for a while, Ziva could finally be in love.

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